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If you know of a funny joke you've heard, feel free to submit your joke to the list. It will automatically appear on top.

Good jokes are hard to find. Joke books, and joke sites are filled with corny cheese, and boring jokes that often aren't funny at all.

This Joke section is a growing collection of high quality jokes, that are great to re-tell to your friends, or during that awkward pause on a date.

The site moderator deletes inappropriate content, or jokes that are lame.

Tell us a joke.

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The Best Jokes

Know your worth.
Then add Tax.
Posted: 01-19-17


I feel like I'm diagonally parked
in a parallel universe.
Posted: 01-15-17


"Donald Trump is what poor people think being rich is like,
what stupid people think being smart is like,
and what weak people think being strong is like."
Posted: 01-10-17


Sometimes I use words I don't understand so i can sound more photosynthesis.
Posted: 01-5-17


The war on drugs brought more drugs.
The war on terrorists brought more terrorists.

Maybe next year we should have a war on farmers markets.
Posted: 01-4-17


Shout out to all the plants
growing through concrete!
Posted: 12-31-16


Not only is my short term memory horrible...

So is my short term memory.
Posted: 12-30-16


All i want for Christmas is the aboloition of imperialist white supremacist capitalist heteropatriarchy
Posted: 12-26-16


“This life is a test-it is only a test. ​If it had been an actual life, you would have received further instructions on where to go and what to do. Remember, this life is only a test.”
-Jack Kornfield
Posted: 12-26-16


"Common sense is not a gift, it's a punishment.
Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it."
Posted: 12-17-16


Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in, you disappear.
Posted: 12-8-16


When things aren't adding up in your life,

Start Subtracting.
Posted: 10-28-16


You really got to hand it to short people.

Because they can't always reach stuff.
Posted: 10-18-16


You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself times the speed of light. Then,
You Energy!
Posted: 07-21-16


A recent study shows that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Posted: 05-24-16


The thing about smart people is,

They sound like crazy people
to dumb people
Posted: 05-13-16


Everything happens for a reason.
Except when it doesn't.

But even then you can, in hindsight, fabricate a reason that will satisfy your belief system.
Posted: 04-18-16


How do you make a "Hormones"?

You don't pay her.
Posted: 03-23-16


Philosophy is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat.

Metaphysics is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat that isn’t there.

Theology is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat that isn't there and shouting, "I’ve found it!"

Science is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat using a flashlight.
Posted: 03-20-16


The problem with being empathetic is that you feel sorry for assholes too.
Posted: 03-20-16


I'd like to show you how everything works.
But the truth is, I have no idea.
Posted: 03-19-16


"Better sexy and racy,
then sexist and racist."
Posted: 03-15-16


Some days you're the pigeon ...
Some days you're the statue!
Posted: 03-8-16


"Ask five economists and you'll get five different answers - six if one went to Harvard."

Edgar Fiedler
Posted: 03-5-16


"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office."

Aesop

Posted: 03-5-16


Dear Santa.
Im writing to tell you I've been naughty and it was worth it. You fat, judgmental bastard.
Posted: 03-5-16


If less is more,
Than nothing is everything.
Posted: 03-2-16


I know a guy who's addicted to break fluid.

He says he can stop anytime he wants.
Posted: 02-22-16


"You ever have so much to do, you decide to take a nap?"

-Jim Gaffigan
Posted: 02-20-16


Don't be afraid to shine.

Remember the sun doesn't give a crap if it blinds you.
Posted: 02-20-16


It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Posted: 02-19-16


Sometimes you just have to chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on.
Posted: 02-18-16


I need a new friend.
The last one ESCAPED.
Posted: 02-18-16


"I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the LSD wears off and I realize I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Wendy's parking lot."
Posted: 02-15-16


If you aren't careful,
You might learn something.
Posted: 01-7-16


All the faith he
had had had had
no effect on his health.
Posted: 01-2-16


"That which doesn't kill me
only makes me weirder and
harder to relate to."
Posted: 12-28-15


How do you organize a space party?

You Planet!
Posted: 12-23-15


You are somewhere on Earth.
The other planets are Jealous.
Posted: 12-23-15


"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

Woody Allen
Posted: 11-30-15


"You wouldn't have won
if we'd beaten you."

Yogi Berra
Posted: 11-29-15


I stopped drinking for good.
Now I drink for evil.
Posted: 11-26-15


Im not sure if I should educate Christians, or become a preacher and take their money.
Posted: 11-8-15


Somedays I look back on my life and
I'm extremely Impressed I'm still ALIVE!
Posted: 10-31-15


The other day I held a door open for a clown.
It was a nice jester.
Posted: 10-24-15


Nothing is something worth doing.
Posted: 10-13-15


The problem with political jokes is
They get elected...
Posted: 09-4-15


If you have 4 pencils and 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof?

Purple. Because aliens don't wear hats.
Posted: 08-22-15


"politicians and diapers must be changed often and for the same reason."

- Mark Twain
Posted: 08-16-15


Why did the cow returns to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Posted: 08-7-15


"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

Bob Hope
Posted: 08-3-15


I hate spelling errors.

You mix up 2 letters and your whole post is urined.
Posted: 07-11-15


It's amazing how Exercise,
and Extra Fries sound alike.
Posted: 07-9-15


"An old friend will help you move.
A good friend will help you move a dead body."
~ Jim Hayes

"A true friend stabs you in the front."
~ Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police."
~ Anonymous
Posted: 07-8-15


I survived another meeting that should have been an E-mail.
Posted: 06-29-15


Never miss a good opportunity
To Shut Up.
Posted: 06-19-15


Patience are for Doctors.
Posted: 06-12-15


"Do no harm,
but take no shit."
Posted: 06-4-15


"We must use time as a tool,
not as a couch."

John F. Kennedy
Posted: 05-29-15


I got a new stick deodorant today... The Instructions said: Remove Cap and Push up Bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
Posted: 05-27-15


We will be old friends till we are old and senile.

Then we will be new friends.
Posted: 05-22-15


A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

~Author Unknown
Posted: 05-10-15


Dont poets know it, Better than others?
God cant be always everywhere: and, so, Invented Mothers.
Posted: 05-10-15


Instead of killing 2 birds with 1 stone,
How about flying 2 kites with 1 string!
Posted: 05-10-15


14,000 people are having sex right now.
25,000 are kissing.
50,000 are hugging.
& for you...

Well you're reading this.

Trust me I'm not happy about it either.
Posted: 03-16-15


Bikes run on fat and save you money.
Cars run on money and make you fat.
Posted: 03-14-15


Do you play an instrument?

Sometimes I play the conun-Drums.
Posted: 03-7-15


How did the Farmer meet his wife?

He Tractor Down!

/\ ,-,---,
//\\/|_|___| Y
,__// \\|/``\ |--'-q _
\_/ {( () ) {(===t||
\__/````\_/ \

Posted: 03-6-15


What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?

One is bored over a man, the other is a man overboard.
Posted: 02-14-15


Friends come and go like the waves of the Ocean.
But true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.
Posted: 02-1-15


If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
Posted: 01-21-15


What do you call 50 penguins in the north pole?

REALLY lost! because Penguins live in the southern hemisphere. (Antarctica)
Posted: 01-15-15


Womans Ass Size Study

There is a new study about women and
how they feel about their asses, the results were very interesting.

30% of women think their ass is too fat

10% of women think their ass is too skinny

The remaining 60% say they dont care, they love him, hes a good man, and they wouldnt trade him for the world.
Posted: 01-15-15


A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
Posted: 12-29-14


how did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank coffee before it was cool.
Posted: 12-28-14


You have to be ODD to be Number 1.
Posted: 12-26-14


The 4 stages of Santa:

You believe in Santa.
You don't believe in Santa.
You are Santa.
You look like Santa.
Posted: 12-25-14


Zero to naked in 1.2 bottles of wine.
Posted: 12-25-14


"When did I realize I was God?
Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."

Peter O'Toole
Posted: 12-20-14


You have the right to remain sacred.
Posted: 12-14-14


"If Tetris has taught me anything it's that Errors pile up and accomplishments disappear."
Posted: 12-9-14


All I want for Christmas is the abolition of imperialist white supremacist capitalist hetero-patriarchy.
Posted: 12-8-14


Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
Posted: 12-7-14


"Sometimes a concept is baffling not because it is profound but because it is wrong."

E. O. Wilson
Posted: 11-21-14


If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

That's why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.
Posted: 11-15-14


"Whoever snuck the S in "Fast Food" was a clever little bastard."

- Fig Tree Cafe, San Diego
Posted: 10-28-14


THE GOLDEN RULE: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Posted: 10-20-14


Back when Men and nfl jersey clash
1:1 quality nike free 4.0 v2 womens anti fur running shoes purple orange us sale http://www.robertocani.com/nike-free-5.0-for-running/nike-free-40-v2-womens-anti-fur-running-shoes-purple-orange-p-4721.html
Posted: 10-14-14


What If the Hokey Pokey Really Is What It's All About?
Posted: 09-16-14


Once your awake,
it's hard to go back to sheep.
Posted: 08-28-14


"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."

Mae West
Posted: 08-19-14


God hates flags.
Posted: 07-31-14


"All sweeping assertions are erroneous."

Letitia Elizabeth Landon
Posted: 05-24-14


Help save the Planet;
it's the only one with Chocolate.
Posted: 05-19-14


why did the skeleton play the piano?

He didn't have an organ.
Posted: 05-12-14


Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.
Posted: 04-5-14


What is invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.
Posted: 02-16-14


Why did the sick skunk have to stay iin bed?

Doctors Odors
Posted: 02-16-14


Where was the United States Constitution signed?

On the bottom.
Posted: 01-21-14


Possessio is 9/10ths of the words.
Posted: 01-2-14


What is the size of an elephant, but weighs nothing?

An Elephants Shadow.
Posted: 01-1-14


What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root Beer.
Posted: 12-26-13


Why was the baseball player such a good signer?

Because she had a good pitch.
Posted: 12-14-13


Anyone who says they are willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.
Posted: 12-8-13


Confucious once said:
"Man who lives in glass house
should change in basement"

"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"

"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."

"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"

"People who make Confucius joke speak bad English."
Posted: 11-29-13


I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
Posted: 11-29-13


Don't have a cow:

A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?", asked the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"
Posted: 11-29-13


If Tetris has taught me anything it's that Errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Posted: 11-12-13


> A sweet grandmother
>
> Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to
> speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
> The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
> number of the patient?"
>
> The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room
> 302."
>
> The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the
> nurse's station for that room."
>
> After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have
> good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood
> pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician,
> Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
>
> The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God
> bless you for the good News."
>
> The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
>
> The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me
> shit."
Posted: 11-7-13


"the grumpier you are,
the more assholes you meet"

- Banksy
Posted: 10-31-13


Why do vampires use mouth wash?

So they don't have Bat Breath.
Posted: 10-23-13


"I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap."

Fred Allen
Posted: 09-12-13


"Never trust a husband too far,
nor a bachelor too near."

Helen Rowland
Posted: 08-26-13


Why do fractions watch football?

They like the half-time show.
Posted: 08-25-13


Why did rabbit sit on a clock?

Because he wanted to be on Time.
Posted: 08-25-13


If a man speaks in a forest, and no women hears him, is he still wrong?

Posted: 08-24-13


Rehab is for quitters.
Posted: 08-8-13


Behaviorist Solution to the monster under the bed:

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed.

It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.

"Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"

"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "You seem to be doing much better. How?"

"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"

"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."

"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"

"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
Posted: 07-28-13


"You can't wait for inspiration.
You have to go after it with a club."

- Jack London
Posted: 06-24-13


Someone told me I was delusional...

I almost fell off my unicorn.
Posted: 05-19-13


Early to rise early to bed, makes a man healthy
but socially dead
Posted: 04-3-13


never play leap frog
with a unicorn.
Posted: 04-1-13


A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
Posted: 03-24-13


Beer is not the answer.
It's the question.
"Yes" is the answer.
Posted: 02-28-13


Don't die a virgin.
Seriously, there are terrorist waiting for you up there.
Posted: 02-28-13


Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg, you can hear them say:
"What the fuck are you doing?"
Posted: 02-7-13


Insanity is hereditary;
you get it from your children.

Sam Levenson
Posted: 01-25-13


A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?"
Posted: 01-7-13


Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.

-Jim Bishop
Posted: 01-7-13


Q: Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Posted: 12-31-12


Depressed man joke:

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Posted: 12-31-12


It is more important to have a good time than to be on the correct foot,
unless the foot you are on belongs to someone else.

~ Author unknown
Posted: 12-16-12


Police station toilet stolen,
Cops have nothing to go on.
Posted: 10-28-12


"No wifi in the forest - but I promise you will find a better connection."

T.I.
Posted: 09-22-12


I tried to join the Magic Circle, but failed the interview.

They kept asking me trick questions.
Posted: 09-6-12


What's the opposite of Progress?

Congress.
Posted: 08-25-12


"When life gives you lemonade,
go out and find someone who's life has given them vodka."
Posted: 08-16-12


"Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance."

Will Durant
Posted: 08-11-12


knock knock,
who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrup...
MOOOO!
Posted: 07-21-12


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have any guts.
Posted: 07-21-12


"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again."

F. P. Jones
Posted: 07-17-12


"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the Earth round, and Laughed and Laughed."
Posted: 07-6-12


"The thing about smart people is they seem like crazy people to dumb people."
Posted: 07-5-12


If aliens ever landed on Earth & demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them Lady Gaga.
Posted: 07-3-12


"I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other."
Posted: 06-14-12


"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."

-- Marcus Brigstocke
Posted: 06-13-12


An old fighter pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot?
He replied, Well, Ive spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans flew a Wildcat and Mustang in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. Ive taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, Im a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: are you a real pilot?
He replied, I always thought I was, but I just found out Im a lesbian.
Posted: 06-1-12


"Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions."
Posted: 05-18-12


Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization...

Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems.

Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!
Posted: 05-9-12


it doesn't matter how old or gangster you are - if a toddler hands you a toy phone, you answer that shit.
Posted: 04-20-12


"Be honest, if people could hear what you are thinking you would be in a mental hospital!"

Surrounded by your friends. :-E
Posted: 04-9-12


"Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired, go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Here, here's American Gladiators, watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it, watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go Americayou are free to do as we tell you! You are free to do as we tell you!"
The Late Great Bill Hicks ATX
Posted: 04-7-12


My greatest weakness is humility. Im probably the most humble person in the whole world.

-30 rock
Posted: 04-6-12


"It takes a lot of things to prove you are smart, but only one thing to prove you are ignorant."

Don Herold
Posted: 03-30-12


"The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move."

- Douglas Adams


"One of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them: It is a well known fact, that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. Anyone who is capable of getting themselves into a position of power should on no account be allowed to do the job. Another problem with governing people is people."

Douglas Adams

Posted: 03-28-12


Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. I didnt sleep with my wife before I was married, said one clergyman self-righteously, Did you? I dont know, said the other. What was her maiden name?
Posted: 03-20-12


"The time to enjoy a European trip is about three weeks after unpacking."

George Ade
Posted: 03-12-12


I'm not childish.
Your just a big dookie head.
Posted: 03-10-12


Don't Steal.
The government hate competition.
Posted: 02-29-12


Government, like diapers, should be changed often.
Posted: 02-29-12


A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous that I am not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I shall have to get back to you then."

He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone."
Posted: 02-20-12


Lead us not into temptation.
Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

Sam Levenson
Posted: 02-14-12


Two housewives were drinking coffee.

Louise said, "I woke up this morning with an awful headache. Do you have a good remedy?"

Martha responded, "For my headaches, my husband is my remedy. He rubs my shoulders and neck, caresses my breasts, kisses my tummy, and... well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all, I forget all about my headache. You should try it!"

Louise smiled. "Sounds great! What time does he get home?"
Posted: 02-7-12


"If you die in an elevator,
be sure to push the Up button."

Sam Levenson
Posted: 02-7-12


:A tree never hits an automobile
except in self defense.:

~American Proverb
Posted: 01-24-12


Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where shitty ideas come from.
Posted: 01-19-12


We must use time as a tool,
not as a couch.

- John F. Kennedy
Posted: 01-3-12


"The only normal people are the one's you don't know very well."

Alfred Adler
Posted: 01-1-12


BIG JAKE

A newcomer was drinking in an Old West saloon when a cowboy ran through the swinging doors, yelling, "Big Jake's a'comin'!"

The place immediately emptied, leaving the newcomer and his beer alone at the bar. Sure enough, soon a seven-foot tall, 350-pound cowboy swaggered in, barely fitting through the double doors.

He glanced around the saloon and, seeing no one but our friend, marched over to him, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, threw him over the bar, and bellowed, "Gimme whisky!"

The shaken man complied, found a full bottle, and placed it and a glass on the bar. The huge cowboy bit the glass neck right off the bottle, spat it on the floor, and emptied the fifth in one giant swig.

The newcomer, not sure what to do next, timidly asked, "Uh, do you want another?"

"Nope," the cowboy growled. "Gotta go. Big Jake's a'comin'!"

Posted: 12-27-11


Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.
Posted: 12-24-11


"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."

Ashleigh Brilliant
Posted: 12-13-11


A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Posted: 12-13-11


The importance of correct punctuation.

---------------

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?

Gloria

---------------

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,
Gloria
Posted: 12-10-11


2 out of 3 people don't like being in a love triangle.
Posted: 12-8-11


What do you get when you bite a ghost?

A mouth full of sheet.
Posted: 10-31-11


There was a young lady named Kite

Whose speed was much faster than light.

She left home one day

In a relative way

And returned on the previous night.
Posted: 10-20-11


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
Posted: 10-6-11


"All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl."

Charlie Chaplin
Posted: 10-3-11


Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Posted: 09-26-11


VENI, VEDI, VISA

I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
Posted: 09-22-11


"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
Posted: 09-1-11


You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.

Dorothy Parker
Posted: 08-29-11


Free beer.

Two blokes entered the pub for a drink, called the proprietor over, and asked him to settle an argument.

"So, are there two pints in a quart or four?" they asked him.

"Two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.

They thanked him for resolving their argument and moved to a table. When the barmaid asked for their order, they told her, "Two pints, please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy 'em for us."

The barmaid doubted them and told them so. "My boss? That would be a first for that tightwad!"

At that, one bloke called out to the proprietor across the room, "You did say TWO pints, didn't you?"

"That's right," the proprietor called back. "Two pints!"
Posted: 08-22-11


How heavy is a polar bear?
Just enough to break the ice.
Posted: 08-22-11


Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead...

Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead too...

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure...
Posted: 08-18-11


"Have you noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff? God! And you say, "Get that shit offa there and let me put my stuff down!"

George Carlin
Posted: 08-14-11


A crusty old biker walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" says the biker.

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank," the teller informs him. She then leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller does not haveto listen to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see, " says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Posted: 08-6-11


A jealous husband hires a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wants more than a written report, he wants movies of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returns with a reel of film. They sit down together and proceed to watch it.

Although the quality is less than professional, the man sees his wife meeting another man! He sees the two of them laughing in the park. He sees them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He sees them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He sees a dozen activities shared by both the man and woman with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

"What's not to believe?" says the detective. "It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
Posted: 08-6-11


If I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Posted: 08-5-11


An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery,' and sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
Posted: 08-3-11


Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long have you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who?'"

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

So here I am.
Posted: 07-18-11


A young woman in Queensland was pulled over for speeding. As the policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball."

He replied, "Queensland Policemen don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd just said.

He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Posted: 07-15-11


Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money
into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money
to the beggar behind the cross,
but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and
says,
"My poor fellow, don't you understand?? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seed of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said:
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
Posted: 07-2-11


A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man I cant believe what I m seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!! The man replied Nah lady this cats not clever at all I m beating it 6 games to 1″

Q: Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
A: To a mewseum.

Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day?
A: Mice cream
Posted: 06-27-11


Silence is golden,
Duct tape is silver.
Posted: 06-19-11


wag more,
bark less.
Posted: 06-18-11


A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Phyllis Diller
Posted: 06-7-11


CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping, must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womans' leg, will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff, jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs Behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes, get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell, is bound to get there.
Man who live in glass house, should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well, often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood"
Posted: 06-4-11


Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Posted: 06-2-11


I was a peripheral visionary.

I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Posted: 05-30-11


Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Bob Hope
Posted: 05-30-11


Flashy moves.

Posted: 05-27-11


"There are two rules for success in life: 1) Don't tell everything you know"

-- Tom Magliozzi, "Car Talk"
Posted: 04-15-11


I had no shoes, and I wept. Then I met a man with no feet.

And I said to him, "Hey, do you have any shoes you're not using?"
Posted: 04-2-11


Why was the math book sad?
Because it has alot of problems inside.
Posted: 03-28-11


The only time that its ok to yell out, I have diarrhea! is when you're playing scrabble. Because it's worth a crapload of points.

Zach Galifianakis
Posted: 03-13-11


My get up and go,
Got up and went.
Posted: 03-12-11


I broke a mirror the other day. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Posted: 03-5-11


If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Posted: 03-4-11


Bumper Sticker:
Does this car make my butt look fast?
Posted: 02-21-11


Child: "I want to be a professional juggler when I grow up."

Parent: "You can't be both!"
Posted: 02-16-11


What do cats like to eat for breakfast?

Mice Krispies
Posted: 01-29-11


"Remember, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Except herpes. That shit'll come back with you."

- the Hangover movie
Posted: 01-14-11


If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Posted: 01-10-11


Ice Cream Koan:

If you have ice cream, I will give you some.
If you don't have ice cream, I will take it away.



Posted: 01-10-11


How many Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because the light bulb's change must be from within.
Posted: 01-10-11


The Dalia Lama orders a veggie hot dog from a vendor. The hot dog vendor said "that will be $2.50" and the Dalai Lama handed him a five.

And waited.

The Dalia Lama said "Hey where's my change?"

The hot dog vendor said
"change must come from within"
Posted: 01-10-11


Why did the scare crow win an award?

He was out-standing in his field.
Posted: 12-26-10


There's no place like 127.0.0.1
Posted: 12-23-10


Obey Gravity!
It's the Law.
Posted: 12-23-10


2000 BC - Here, eat this root.
1000 AD - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 AD - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 AD - That antibiotic doesnt work. Here, eat this root.
-Author Unknown
Posted: 12-20-10


Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: "Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars."
Posted: 12-16-10


Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Posted: 12-5-10


"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first."
George Carlin
Posted: 11-25-10


"Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success."

Samuel Goldwyn
Posted: 11-22-10


"A lot of people are afraid of heights.
Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

Steven Wright
Posted: 11-9-10


What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.
Posted: 11-7-10


The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural. Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.
Posted: 11-6-10


Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

Victor Hugo
Posted: 11-5-10


"If you think the economy is working,
ask someone who isn't."
Posted: 11-3-10


"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."

~ George Carlin
Posted: 10-28-10


"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." - Oscar Wilde
Posted: 10-28-10


A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
Why, How can this be?"

Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,

"Up here, we work by results,"


"While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."
Posted: 10-23-10


No Sense Being Pessimistic.
It Wouldn't Work Anyway....
Posted: 10-12-10


"You probably shouldn't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes".

Randy Johnson?
Posted: 10-7-10


Happiness is an inside job.
Posted: 10-6-10


"Black holes are where God divided by zero."
Steven Wright
Posted: 09-22-10


Elephants are only animals that can not jump.
Posted: 09-18-10


How do you get holy water?

Boil the hell out of it!
Posted: 08-19-10


"Television is a medium because
anything well done is rare."

Fred Allen
Posted: 08-15-10


"I haven't slept for ten days,
because that would be too long."

Mitch Hedberg
Posted: 08-4-10


how do you make a cow get out of your way?

You tell it to MOOOove!
Posted: 07-31-10


"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.

How he got in my pajamas I'll never know."

Groucho Marx
Posted: 07-24-10


PREGNANT AT 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down

the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"
Posted: 07-14-10


SteveE's sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

"Perfect," his sister-in-law thought and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear the the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
Posted: 07-3-10


How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. But it cost a lot, and the light bulb has to want to change.
Posted: 07-1-10


"Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway."

Mary Kay Ash
Posted: 06-26-10


An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "You must use all your years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."

The trusty Indian Scout laid down and put his ear to the ground... "Large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint ... many, many guns. Medicine man also with them."

"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???"

"No, General," replied the Scout, "I can see under the gate."
Posted: 06-21-10


Make your words sweet:
you may have to eat them later!
Posted: 06-2-10


"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses."

Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr
Posted: 05-31-10


Why do angels fly?

Because they take themselves lightly.
Posted: 05-24-10


The staff at an Australian zoo have been sacrificing their pay to give the zoo enough money to feed the lions.

There have been other cuts as well. For instance, no one has seen Bob for the past couple of days.

- Jim Barach
Posted: 05-23-10


My sources are unreliable,
but their information is fascinating.

- Ashleigh Brilliant
Posted: 05-22-10




Sean Penn has been sentenced to 300 hours of community service for kicking a paparazzi.

I thought kicking a paparazzi was community service.

- Jay Leno
Posted: 05-22-10


"Go to Heaven for the climate,
Hell for the company."

-Mark Twain
Posted: 05-21-10


An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager.
"The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life."

The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "G'dye, myte!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.

He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'G'dye myte.')

On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How," said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the Chief.
Posted: 05-19-10


What do you do when you see a spaceman??

Park your car, man!!
Posted: 05-8-10


Who would Jesus bomb?
Posted: 04-22-10


On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got some guts!"
Posted: 04-20-10


Four Indian chiefs went into a restaurant for a bite.

The maitre d' asked,
"Do you have a reservation?"

One Indian chief answered,
"Certainly. In Arizona!"

Posted: 04-10-10


Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.

One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

Posted: 04-10-10


Last week, I was grocery shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde woman right ahead of me.

As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the grocery bagger courteously asked the blonde woman, "Paper or plastic?"

"It doesn't matter," she replied. "I'm bi-sacksual."

Posted: 04-9-10


Every day, General Chamler rides through town on a camel. One day a young child sees this, and asks his mom about it. His Mom tells the child that he is General Chamler, the Governor of the town.

A year later, the child sees the General riding through town on a camel. The child says to his Mom: "There is General Chamlers again. But I've always wondered, who is that guy sitting on his back?"
Posted: 04-2-10


Take my advice, I'm not using it.


Posted: 03-26-10


If its not one thing,
It's your mother.
Posted: 03-25-10


A Royal Marine Captain was assigned to a unit in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection of the unit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Corporal why the camel is kept there.

"Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes my men have "urges". It's a dangerous existence they have and sometimes they just need to do what men need to do.

That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I officially condone this, but I understand about "urges". The camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges" and asks the Corporal to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain climbs up, and after a noisy and messy start has the most wild, insane sex with Molly.

When he's done, he climbs down and, with a huge grin on his face he asks the Corporal,

"Is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, Sir" says the Corporal

"They usually just ride the camel into town to where the girls are."
Posted: 03-22-10


A master gives each of his 3 students a chicken, and asks them to go somewhere where no one is watching kill it, and bring it back. 2 of the students go off, and bring back a dead chicken. 1 student wonders around for a while, and brings back the chicken still alive. The master asks the student what happens. He says that he couldn't find a place where no one is watching.
Posted: 03-14-10


THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Posted: 03-8-10


"Whenever I feel small.....I just pretend I'm tall."

-Anonymous enlightended being
Posted: 03-8-10


You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!
Posted: 03-2-10


"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."

Mae West
Posted: 02-22-10


Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they wont bother you for weeks.
Posted: 02-21-10


All of us could take a lesson from the weather..
It pays no attention to criticism.
Posted: 02-21-10


"... Just to mess with you: The Sea is spelled with an S, and the ocean has a C in it."

-David K
Posted: 02-18-10


How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
Posted: 02-16-10


"I received some advice the other day from a friend....."Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces" I was dumbfounded - Leftover wine??"

-Cettina Houston
Posted: 02-6-10


Did you hear about the guy who drempt he ate a giant marsh mellow?

When he woke up, his pillow was gone.
Posted: 02-2-10


I'm so old when I went to school, they didn't have history.
Posted: 01-20-10


After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
Posted: 01-19-10


"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."

Bill Cosby
Posted: 01-15-10


Life is like a jar of habanera peppers;
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow
Posted: 01-11-10


"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."

Fulton J. Sheen
Posted: 01-1-10


"Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it."

~Richard Lamm
Posted: 12-24-09


I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

--Bill Cosby
Posted: 12-23-09


"My computer beat me at checkers,
but I sure beat it at kickboxing."

Emo Philips
Posted: 12-15-09


Misunderstandings are as common as people are different.
Posted: 12-10-09


Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

Christopher Marlowe
Posted: 12-4-09


"You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think."

Milton Berle
Posted: 12-1-09


"champagne for my real friends,
and real pain for my sham friends."
Posted: 11-21-09


The difference between a neurotic, a psychotic, and a psychiatrist. The neurotic builds castles in the sky, the psychotic lives in them and the psychiatrist collects the rent.
Posted: 11-7-09


The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.

-Bill Vaughan
Posted: 11-6-09


"Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone."

Anthony Burgess
Posted: 11-4-09


What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything!"
Posted: 10-25-09


In Alaska, wildlife officials want to protect the public from dangerous bears by dyeing the bears bright colors like blue, green and orange.

Apparently, nothing calms down a man-eating bear like painting it.

- Conan O'Brien
Posted: 10-24-09


How do you make a hanky dance?

put a little boogie in it.
Posted: 10-14-09


"Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment."

Rita Mae Brown
Posted: 10-14-09


"Even a stopped clock is right twice a day."

Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
Posted: 10-5-09


"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

Margaret Mead
Posted: 09-23-09


The seven ages of man:
spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.

- Richard John Needham
Posted: 09-20-09


"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them."

-Bill Vaughan
Posted: 09-9-09


"Don't make me
come down there."
- God
Posted: 09-7-09


Love and marriage go together like a horse and ...hay
Posted: 09-3-09


I am a nobody, and nobody is Perfect, so I'm Perfect!

- Adam Laurie
Posted: 08-27-09


two things you should never say in a gay bar.
1.can i bum a fag
2.can i push your stool in
Posted: 08-27-09


"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

-Phyllis Diller
Posted: 08-24-09


"Behold the turtle.
He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out."

James Bryant Conant
Posted: 08-18-09


"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver."

- Jay Leno
Posted: 08-17-09


The Post Office announced that the price of a stamp is going up to 44 cents. This is getting out of control.

If there were just some other way to send written messages that were free and a million times faster. If you guys think of something, e-mail me.

- Jimmy Kimmel
Posted: 08-17-09


"The future has a way of arriving unannounced."

- George Will
Posted: 08-17-09


davy crockett has 3 ears.
The Right ear, the left ear, and the wild front ear.
Posted: 08-16-09


"The Noah rule: Predicting rain doesn't count; building arks does."
Warren Buffett
Posted: 08-16-09


Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls).
Posted: 08-2-09


"Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example."

(Franois VI Duke (duc) de La Rochefoucauld, 1616-80)
Posted: 07-31-09


"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction."

-Douglas MacArthur
Posted: 07-30-09


"If everyone is thinking alike,
then somebody isn't thinking."

George S. Patton
Posted: 07-23-09


"Evil will always triumph,
because good is dumb."

-Dark Helmit
Posted: 07-14-09


Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.

-Robert Byrne
Posted: 07-13-09


"The only thing
we have to fear
is, Fear itself.
And Spiders."
Posted: 07-12-09


My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
Posted: 05-25-09


There was this fellow who received a phone call from his doctor. The doctor said, "I have some bad news and some really bad news."

The fellow said, "let me have it."

The doctor said, "The bad news is that I got your test results back and you have only 24 hours to live."

The man groaned, sobbed, and otherwise carried on. Finally he asked the doctor, "What's the really bad news?"

The doctor replied, "I forgot to call you yesterday!"
Posted: 05-22-09


One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed.

Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
Posted: 05-22-09


An Inuit hunter asked the local missionary priest: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" "No," said the priest, "not if you did not know." "Then why," asked the Inuit earnestly, "did you tell me?"

-Annie Dillard
Posted: 05-20-09


Laughter is America's most important export.
Walt Disney
Posted: 05-16-09


We are the people our parents warned us about.
-Jimmy Buffet
Posted: 05-14-09


"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."
-Don Marquis
Posted: 05-11-09


Laugh about life
or life will laugh about you!
Posted: 05-9-09


Dogs have owners.
Cats have staff.
Posted: 05-6-09


What happens when 2 antennas got married?

The wedding was horrible, but the reception was great.
Posted: 05-6-09


What's the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad?

One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Posted: 05-1-09


You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
- Bob Hope
Posted: 04-1-09


'a gentleman inherits his deceased brothers parrot. the parrot has an extremely vulgar
vocabulary and refuses to amend his crude ways.
after many attempts to to rehabilitate the parrot the gentleman decides to punish the parrot by placing him in the freezer. after 30
seconds the gentleman removes the parrot from the freezer. the parrot is now contrite and offers to amend his ways. the gentleman
accepts the offer.can you answer one questions asks the parrot? what did the turkey do?




Posted: 03-24-09


What did the hockey player give the thief?

A check.
Posted: 03-20-09


This guy walks into a bar, and there is bush and Cheney sitting in a booth talking away. So the guy walks over to the bartender and asks "What are they doing?

the bartender says, "their planning a war and maybe the destruction of the free world".

So the guy walks over and asks bush and Cheney,"what are you guys going to do?"

Cheney looks up and says, "We're going to cause unrest in the world and possibly three or four wars, where untold millions are going to die, billions are going to suffer and loose everything, it's going to cost trillions of dollars and break all the economies in the whole world, we are going to bring back torture, and murder without provocation, and create new nuclear weapons of mass destruction to terrorize the rest of the world, we are going to stuff billions and billions of dollars into our pockets and our friends pockets, then we are going to murder a fat blond with big tits." and Cheney's eyes are glowing by this time :o)

So the guy says "!@$$%**** that's just crazy talk, why are you going to murder the blond?"

So Cheney turns to bush and with a huge twisted smirk, says, "See I told you they wouldn't care about the rest of the world!"
Posted: 03-20-09


"Only the mediocre are always at their best."
Jean Giraudoux
Posted: 03-8-09


knock knock.
who's there?
Athena.
Athena who?
athena flying sauser! :D
Posted: 03-2-09


"If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you."
Dick Cavett
Posted: 03-1-09


The pope and the Rabbi Joke:
http://www.fox-gieg.com/spiders/spidervideos/a_good_joke.mp4
Posted: 03-1-09


"To be or not to be. That's not really a question."
Jean-Luc Godard
Posted: 02-28-09


An Englishman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where did you get that thing? The parrot says, "In England! There are a million of 'em."
Posted: 02-27-09


What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

They both come on little white crackers.
Posted: 02-17-09


"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
Lucille Ball
Posted: 02-3-09


Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Posted: 01-27-09


Q. Why do people kill animals?
A. Fur convenience steak.

Q. What's the best way to keep milk fresh?
A. Leave it in the cow.
Posted: 01-21-09


Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asked "Do you want a drink?"

Descartes responds: "I think not."

Then he disappears.
Posted: 01-7-09


When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
http://despair.com/wishes.html
Posted: 12-15-08


"children in the back seat cause accidents,
Accidents in the back seat cause children."
Posted: 11-30-08


"The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car.
It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money."
- Jay Len
Posted: 11-25-08


A burglar sneaks in a dark bar...(after hours) and goes right to the cash register. A voice calls out, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". He looks all around and sees nothing so returns to jimmying the cash drawer. Again, the voice says, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". The burglar looks around and finally sees a parrot in a cage and says, "Oh, Hi Polly. You startled me." "Hey" said the parrot. "My name ain't Polly. It's John the Baptist." The burglar snorted, "Who in the world named you John the Baptist?". Parrot says, "The same guy who named that Rottweiler over there GOD!"
Posted: 11-21-08


"Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months." (Clifford Stoll)
Posted: 11-10-08


"Better a witty fool
than a foolish wit."
- William Shakespeare
Posted: 11-8-08


In California, a high school student who's an illegal immigrant is about to be deported, but since he's the school's valedictorian, he's asking President Bush to help.

Bush told the valedictorian, "Don't worry, I'll never let them send you back to Valedictoria."
Posted: 10-27-08


Palin Quotes:
1. I know all about Iran. I ran for Mayor and then I ran for Governor
!
2. I can't comment on the Kyoto Accord as I've only ever seen the Honda.
3. My pregnant daughter is definitely going to marry the baby's father, John Edwards... I mean Levi Johnston
4. I just saw a photo of Barack Obama. Is that what a black man looks like?
5. I look forward to negotiating with the Shi'ites, as I haven't had a good one all week.
6. I wouldn't want to go over to Kabul. I'm perfectly happy with my DirectTV.
7. I think that the drop in the price of stock is a good thing, as now people will be able to make their soups cheaper.
8. I've got a four month old, I'm about to be a grandmother, and I have to change McCain's diapers too?
9. Alaskan oil can end shipments of petroleum from the Middle East. Next we need to end their shipments of convenience store managers.
10. I put a $150 bounty on every wolf shot from a helicopter. How much do I have to offer for Obama?
Posted: 10-22-08


Why did the guru refuse Novacaine when he went to his dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Posted: 10-22-08


George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
Posted: 10-1-08


A butler came running into his important master's office.
"Sir, sir, there's a ghost in the corridor. What shall I do with him?" Without looking up from his work the master said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Posted: 09-30-08


I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Posted: 09-9-08


A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"

The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."
Posted: 09-4-08


"Doctor, I keep stealing things. What can I do?"
"Try to resist the temptation, but if you can't, get me a new television."
Posted: 08-20-08


Q: What's ET short for?
A: 'cuz he's got short legs.
Posted: 08-13-08


"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip."
Will Rogers
Posted: 08-7-08


"Energizer bunny arrested,
charged with battery."
Posted: 08-2-08


A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!"
A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!" The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"
Posted: 07-24-08


Wise Man Says:
Man who drives like hell,
Bound to get there!
http://instantrimshot.com/
Posted: 07-19-08


An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
Posted: 07-12-08


Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?" The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"



The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A man goes to the doctor to get $1000 heart examination. After the exam, the doctor says "You only have 1 month left to live." The patient says "I wount be able to pay you in that short of time." The doctor says "in that case, you have 3 months to live." The patient says "I need a second opinion." The doctor replys "OK. Your also ugly."

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, Hey, what is this, some kind of joke?

Comic Strip Joke:swing implementation joke

"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." - Jack Benny

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me! --dr. seuss

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired. "Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed. "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees. First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25.

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?

A: They take the psycho path.

"I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess." -Dennis Miller

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Why are hurricanes normally named after women? When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.



A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure." "Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."

Three men went to hell. The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3" He then opened the doors to the three rooms. Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor. Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor. Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee. The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee. They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

"Do not anger the dragon, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup"


It is good to act like a Duck. Calm and composed on the surface, but paddling like crazy underneath.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. -- Josh Billings

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!" Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

Back in the early twenties, organ grinders used to go into bars with their pet monkeys and entertain the customers for tips. This particular grinder walks into a bar with his pet monkey and states that he can play any tune that they want to hear. With that, he perches the monkey on the end of the bar, and the monkey is hopping down the bar, when it plops his ass on top of a drunk's glass. The drunk yells, "Shay, old man, duh yah know your monkeys got his ass in my beer?"

The organ grinder replies, "No, but go ahead and hum a few bars, and I'll pick it up from there."

A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf." A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I have given up drinking!"

Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said,
"I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."



A well dressed sales person approaches someone on the street, and says "would you like to buy this mouthwash for $200?" The person responds, "no, that's far to expensive." The Sales person offers "What about for $100?" the person responds by saying "Thats still too expensive, stop bothering me." The sales person pulls out some brownies, and offers one to the person, apologizing for being rude. The person takes a bite, then spits it out. "This tastes like crap!" The sales person says. "It is, want to buy some mouth wash?"

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

A guy walks into a bar with a Giraffe. They each orders a drink. The bartender watches, as the two keep drinking and ordering the same two drinks. Eventually they both get smashed Drunk. The Giraffe falls to the floor, and passes out. The guy gets up, and starts to leave. The bartender yells, "Hay, you can't leave that lying there." the guy turns around and says "Thats not a lion, it's a Giraffe!

 

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