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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
Posted: 05-25-09

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There was this fellow who received a phone call from his doctor. The doctor said, "I have some bad news and some really bad news."

The fellow said, "let me have it."

The doctor said, "The bad news is that I got your test results back and you have only 24 hours to live."

The man groaned, sobbed, and otherwise carried on. Finally he asked the doctor, "What's the really bad news?"

The doctor replied, "I forgot to call you yesterday!"
Posted: 05-22-09

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One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed.

Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
Posted: 05-22-09

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An Inuit hunter asked the local missionary priest: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" "No," said the priest, "not if you did not know." "Then why," asked the Inuit earnestly, "did you tell me?"

-Annie Dillard
Posted: 05-20-09

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Laughter is America's most important export.
Walt Disney
Posted: 05-16-09

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We are the people our parents warned us about.
-Jimmy Buffet
Posted: 05-14-09

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"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."
-Don Marquis
Posted: 05-11-09

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Laugh about life
or life will laugh about you!
Posted: 05-9-09

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Dogs have owners.
Cats have staff.
Posted: 05-6-09

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What happens when 2 antennas got married?

The wedding was horrible, but the reception was great.
Posted: 05-6-09

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What's the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad?

One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Posted: 05-1-09

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You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
- Bob Hope
Posted: 04-1-09

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'a gentleman inherits his deceased brothers parrot. the parrot has an extremely vulgar
vocabulary and refuses to amend his crude ways.
after many attempts to to rehabilitate the parrot the gentleman decides to punish the parrot by placing him in the freezer. after 30
seconds the gentleman removes the parrot from the freezer. the parrot is now contrite and offers to amend his ways. the gentleman
accepts the offer.can you answer one questions asks the parrot? what did the turkey do?




Posted: 03-24-09

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What did the hockey player give the thief?

A check.
Posted: 03-20-09

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This guy walks into a bar, and there is bush and Cheney sitting in a booth talking away. So the guy walks over to the bartender and asks "What are they doing?

the bartender says, "their planning a war and maybe the destruction of the free world".

So the guy walks over and asks bush and Cheney,"what are you guys going to do?"

Cheney looks up and says, "We're going to cause unrest in the world and possibly three or four wars, where untold millions are going to die, billions are going to suffer and loose everything, it's going to cost trillions of dollars and break all the economies in the whole world, we are going to bring back torture, and murder without provocation, and create new nuclear weapons of mass destruction to terrorize the rest of the world, we are going to stuff billions and billions of dollars into our pockets and our friends pockets, then we are going to murder a fat blond with big tits." and Cheney's eyes are glowing by this time :o)

So the guy says "!@$$%**** that's just crazy talk, why are you going to murder the blond?"

So Cheney turns to bush and with a huge twisted smirk, says, "See I told you they wouldn't care about the rest of the world!"
Posted: 03-20-09

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"Only the mediocre are always at their best."
Jean Giraudoux
Posted: 03-8-09

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knock knock.
who's there?
Athena.
Athena who?
athena flying sauser! :D
Posted: 03-2-09

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"If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you."
Dick Cavett
Posted: 03-1-09

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The pope and the Rabbi Joke:
http://www.fox-gieg.com/spiders/spidervideos/a_good_joke.mp4
Posted: 03-1-09

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"To be or not to be. That's not really a question."
Jean-Luc Godard
Posted: 02-28-09

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An Englishman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where did you get that thing? The parrot says, "In England! There are a million of 'em."
Posted: 02-27-09

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What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

They both come on little white crackers.
Posted: 02-17-09

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"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
Lucille Ball
Posted: 02-3-09

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Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Posted: 01-27-09

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Q. Why do people kill animals?
A. Fur convenience steak.

Q. What's the best way to keep milk fresh?
A. Leave it in the cow.
Posted: 01-21-09

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Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asked "Do you want a drink?"

Descartes responds: "I think not."

Then he disappears.
Posted: 01-7-09

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When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
http://despair.com/wishes.html
Posted: 12-15-08

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"children in the back seat cause accidents,
Accidents in the back seat cause children."
Posted: 11-30-08

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"The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car.
It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money."
- Jay Len
Posted: 11-25-08

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A burglar sneaks in a dark bar...(after hours) and goes right to the cash register. A voice calls out, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". He looks all around and sees nothing so returns to jimmying the cash drawer. Again, the voice says, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". The burglar looks around and finally sees a parrot in a cage and says, "Oh, Hi Polly. You startled me." "Hey" said the parrot. "My name ain't Polly. It's John the Baptist." The burglar snorted, "Who in the world named you John the Baptist?". Parrot says, "The same guy who named that Rottweiler over there GOD!"
Posted: 11-21-08

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"Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months." (Clifford Stoll)
Posted: 11-10-08

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"Better a witty fool
than a foolish wit."
- William Shakespeare
Posted: 11-8-08

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In California, a high school student who's an illegal immigrant is about to be deported, but since he's the school's valedictorian, he's asking President Bush to help.

Bush told the valedictorian, "Don't worry, I'll never let them send you back to Valedictoria."
Posted: 10-27-08

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Palin Quotes:
1. I know all about Iran. I ran for Mayor and then I ran for Governor
!
2. I can't comment on the Kyoto Accord as I've only ever seen the Honda.
3. My pregnant daughter is definitely going to marry the baby's father, John Edwards... I mean Levi Johnston
4. I just saw a photo of Barack Obama. Is that what a black man looks like?
5. I look forward to negotiating with the Shi'ites, as I haven't had a good one all week.
6. I wouldn't want to go over to Kabul. I'm perfectly happy with my DirectTV.
7. I think that the drop in the price of stock is a good thing, as now people will be able to make their soups cheaper.
8. I've got a four month old, I'm about to be a grandmother, and I have to change McCain's diapers too?
9. Alaskan oil can end shipments of petroleum from the Middle East. Next we need to end their shipments of convenience store managers.
10. I put a $150 bounty on every wolf shot from a helicopter. How much do I have to offer for Obama?
Posted: 10-22-08

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Why did the guru refuse Novacaine when he went to his dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Posted: 10-22-08

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George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
Posted: 10-1-08

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A butler came running into his important master's office.
"Sir, sir, there's a ghost in the corridor. What shall I do with him?" Without looking up from his work the master said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Posted: 09-30-08

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I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Posted: 09-9-08

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A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"

The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."
Posted: 09-4-08

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"Doctor, I keep stealing things. What can I do?"
"Try to resist the temptation, but if you can't, get me a new television."
Posted: 08-20-08

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Q: What's ET short for?
A: 'cuz he's got short legs.
Posted: 08-13-08

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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip."
– Will Rogers
Posted: 08-7-08

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"Energizer bunny arrested,
charged with battery."
Posted: 08-2-08

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A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!"
A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!" The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"
Posted: 07-24-08

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Wise Man Says:
Man who drives like hell,
Bound to get there!
http://instantrimshot.com/
Posted: 07-19-08

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An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
Posted: 07-12-08

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Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?" The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

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The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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A man goes to the doctor to get $1000 heart examination. After the exam, the doctor says "You only have 1 month left to live." The patient says "I wount be able to pay you in that short of time." The doctor says "in that case, you have 3 months to live." The patient says "I need a second opinion." The doctor replys "OK. Your also ugly."

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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, Hey, what is this, some kind of joke?

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Comic Strip Joke:swing implementation joke

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"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." - Jack Benny

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I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me! --dr. seuss

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Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired. "Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed. "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

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A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees. First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25.

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"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

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Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?

A: They take the psycho path.

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"I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess." -Dennis Miller

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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

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Why are hurricanes normally named after women? When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

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A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure." "Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."

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Three men went to hell. The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3" He then opened the doors to the three rooms. Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor. Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor. Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee. The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee. They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

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There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

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"Do not anger the dragon, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup"

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It is good to act like a Duck. Calm and composed on the surface, but paddling like crazy underneath.

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Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. -- Josh Billings

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A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!" Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"

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On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

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Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

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Back in the early twenties, organ grinders used to go into bars with their pet monkeys and entertain the customers for tips. This particular grinder walks into a bar with his pet monkey and states that he can play any tune that they want to hear. With that, he perches the monkey on the end of the bar, and the monkey is hopping down the bar, when it plops his ass on top of a drunk's glass. The drunk yells, "Shay, old man, duh yah know your monkeys got his ass in my beer?"

The organ grinder replies, "No, but go ahead and hum a few bars, and I'll pick it up from there."

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A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf." A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I have given up drinking!"

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Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said,
"I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

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A well dressed sales person approaches someone on the street, and says "would you like to buy this mouthwash for $200?" The person responds, "no, that's far to expensive." The Sales person offers "What about for $100?" the person responds by saying "That’s still too expensive, stop bothering me." The sales person pulls out some brownies, and offers one to the person, apologizing for being rude. The person takes a bite, then spits it out. "This tastes like crap!" The sales person says. "It is, want to buy some mouth wash?"

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All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

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A guy walks into a bar with a Giraffe. They each orders a drink. The bartender watches, as the two keep drinking and ordering the same two drinks. Eventually they both get smashed Drunk. The Giraffe falls to the floor, and passes out. The guy gets up, and starts to leave. The bartender yells, "Hay, you can't leave that lying there." the guy turns around and says "Thats not a lion, it's a Giraffe!

 

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