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"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.

How he got in my pajamas I'll never know."

— Groucho Marx
Posted: 07-24-10

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PREGNANT AT 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down

the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"
Posted: 07-14-10

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SteveE's sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

"Perfect," his sister-in-law thought and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear the the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
Posted: 07-3-10

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How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. But it cost a lot, and the light bulb has to want to change.
Posted: 07-1-10

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"Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway."

– Mary Kay Ash
Posted: 06-26-10

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An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "You must use all your years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."

The trusty Indian Scout laid down and put his ear to the ground... "Large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint ... many, many guns. Medicine man also with them."

"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???"

"No, General," replied the Scout, "I can see under the gate."
Posted: 06-21-10

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Make your words sweet:
you may have to eat them later!
Posted: 06-2-10

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"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses."

– Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr
Posted: 05-31-10

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Why do angels fly?

Because they take themselves lightly.
Posted: 05-24-10

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The staff at an Australian zoo have been sacrificing their pay to give the zoo enough money to feed the lions.

There have been other cuts as well. For instance, no one has seen Bob for the past couple of days.

- Jim Barach
Posted: 05-23-10

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“My sources are unreliable,
but their information is fascinating”.

- Ashleigh Brilliant
Posted: 05-22-10

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Sean Penn has been sentenced to 300 hours of community service for kicking a paparazzi.

I thought kicking a paparazzi was community service.

- Jay Leno
Posted: 05-22-10

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"Go to Heaven for the climate,
Hell for the company."

-Mark Twain
Posted: 05-21-10

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An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager.
"The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life."

The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "G'dye, myte!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.

He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'G'dye myte.')

On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How," said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the Chief.
Posted: 05-19-10

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What do you do when you see a spaceman??

Park your car, man!!
Posted: 05-8-10

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Who would Jesus bomb?
Posted: 04-22-10

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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got some guts!"
Posted: 04-20-10

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Four Indian chiefs went into a restaurant for a bite.

The maitre d' asked,
"Do you have a reservation?"

One Indian chief answered,
"Certainly. In Arizona!"

Posted: 04-10-10

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Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.

One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

Posted: 04-10-10

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Last week, I was grocery shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde woman right ahead of me.

As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the grocery bagger courteously asked the blonde woman, "Paper or plastic?"

"It doesn't matter," she replied. "I'm bi-sacksual."

Posted: 04-9-10

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Every day, General Chamler rides through town on a camel. One day a young child sees this, and asks his mom about it. His Mom tells the child that he is General Chamler, the Governor of the town.

A year later, the child sees the General riding through town on a camel. The child says to his Mom: "There is General Chamlers again. But I've always wondered, who is that guy sitting on his back?"
Posted: 04-2-10

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Take my advice, I'm not using it.


Posted: 03-26-10

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If its not one thing,
It's your mother.
Posted: 03-25-10

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A Royal Marine Captain was assigned to a unit in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection of the unit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Corporal why the camel is kept there.

"Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes my men have "urges". It's a dangerous existence they have and sometimes they just need to do what men need to do.

That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I officially condone this, but I understand about "urges". The camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges" and asks the Corporal to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain climbs up, and after a noisy and messy start has the most wild, insane sex with Molly.

When he's done, he climbs down and, with a huge grin on his face he asks the Corporal,

"Is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, Sir" says the Corporal

"They usually just ride the camel into town to where the girls are."
Posted: 03-22-10

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A master gives each of his 3 students a chicken, and asks them to go somewhere where no one is watching kill it, and bring it back. 2 of the students go off, and bring back a dead chicken. 1 student wonders around for a while, and brings back the chicken still alive. The master asks the student what happens. He says that he couldn't find a place where no one is watching.
Posted: 03-14-10

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THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Posted: 03-8-10

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"Whenever I feel small.....I just pretend I'm tall."

-Anonymous enlightended being
Posted: 03-8-10

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You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!
Posted: 03-2-10

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"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."

Mae West
Posted: 02-22-10

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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Posted: 02-21-10

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All of us could take a lesson from the weather..
It pays no attention to criticism.
Posted: 02-21-10

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"... Just to mess with you: The Sea is spelled with an S, and the ocean has a C in it."

-David K
Posted: 02-18-10

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How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
Posted: 02-16-10

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"I received some advice the other day from a friend....."Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces" I was dumbfounded - Leftover wine??"

-Cettina Houston
Posted: 02-6-10

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Did you hear about the guy who drempt he ate a giant marsh mellow?

When he woke up, his pillow was gone.
Posted: 02-2-10

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I'm so old when I went to school, they didn't have history.
Posted: 01-20-10

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After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
Posted: 01-19-10

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"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."

Bill Cosby
Posted: 01-15-10

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“Life is like a jar of habanera peppers;
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow”
Posted: 01-11-10

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"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."

Fulton J. Sheen
Posted: 01-1-10

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"Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it."

~Richard Lamm
Posted: 12-24-09

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I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

--Bill Cosby
Posted: 12-23-09

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"My computer beat me at checkers,
but I sure beat it at kickboxing."

Emo Philips
Posted: 12-15-09

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Misunderstandings are as common as people are different.
Posted: 12-10-09

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Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

Christopher Marlowe
Posted: 12-4-09

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"You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think."

Milton Berle
Posted: 12-1-09

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"champagne for my real friends,
and real pain for my sham friends."
Posted: 11-21-09

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The difference between a neurotic, a psychotic, and a psychiatrist. The neurotic builds castles in the sky, the psychotic lives in them and the psychiatrist collects the rent.
Posted: 11-7-09

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The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.

-Bill Vaughan
Posted: 11-6-09

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"Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone."

Anthony Burgess
Posted: 11-4-09

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What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything!"
Posted: 10-25-09

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In Alaska, wildlife officials want to protect the public from dangerous bears by dyeing the bears bright colors like blue, green and orange.

Apparently, nothing calms down a man-eating bear like painting it.

- Conan O'Brien
Posted: 10-24-09

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How do you make a hanky dance?

put a little boogie in it.
Posted: 10-14-09

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"Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment."

Rita Mae Brown
Posted: 10-14-09

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"Even a stopped clock is right twice a day."

Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
Posted: 10-5-09

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"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

Margaret Mead
Posted: 09-23-09

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The seven ages of man:
spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.

- Richard John Needham
Posted: 09-20-09

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"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them."

-Bill Vaughan
Posted: 09-9-09

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"Don't make me
come down there."
- God
Posted: 09-7-09

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Love and marriage go together like a horse and ...hay
Posted: 09-3-09

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I am a nobody, and nobody is Perfect, so I'm Perfect!

- Adam Laurie
Posted: 08-27-09

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two things you should never say in a gay bar.
1.can i bum a fag
2.can i push your stool in
Posted: 08-27-09

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"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

-Phyllis Diller
Posted: 08-24-09

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"Behold the turtle.
He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out."

– James Bryant Conant
Posted: 08-18-09

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"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver."

- Jay Leno
Posted: 08-17-09

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The Post Office announced that the price of a stamp is going up to 44 cents. This is getting out of control.

If there were just some other way to send written messages that were free and a million times faster. If you guys think of something, e-mail me.

- Jimmy Kimmel
Posted: 08-17-09

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"The future has a way of arriving unannounced."

- George Will
Posted: 08-17-09

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davy crockett has 3 ears.
The Right ear, the left ear, and the wild front ear.
Posted: 08-16-09

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"The Noah rule: Predicting rain doesn't count; building arks does."
– Warren Buffett
Posted: 08-16-09

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Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls).
Posted: 08-2-09

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"Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example."

(François VI Duke (duc) de La Rochefoucauld, 1616-80)
Posted: 07-31-09

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"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction."

-Douglas MacArthur
Posted: 07-30-09

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"If everyone is thinking alike,
then somebody isn't thinking."

George S. Patton
Posted: 07-23-09

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"Evil will always triumph,
because good is dumb."

-Dark Helmit
Posted: 07-14-09

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Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.

-Robert Byrne
Posted: 07-13-09

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"The only thing
we have to fear
is, Fear itself.
And Spiders."
Posted: 07-12-09

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
Posted: 05-25-09

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There was this fellow who received a phone call from his doctor. The doctor said, "I have some bad news and some really bad news."

The fellow said, "let me have it."

The doctor said, "The bad news is that I got your test results back and you have only 24 hours to live."

The man groaned, sobbed, and otherwise carried on. Finally he asked the doctor, "What's the really bad news?"

The doctor replied, "I forgot to call you yesterday!"
Posted: 05-22-09

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One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed.

Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
Posted: 05-22-09

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An Inuit hunter asked the local missionary priest: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" "No," said the priest, "not if you did not know." "Then why," asked the Inuit earnestly, "did you tell me?"

-Annie Dillard
Posted: 05-20-09

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Laughter is America's most important export.
Walt Disney
Posted: 05-16-09

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We are the people our parents warned us about.
-Jimmy Buffet
Posted: 05-14-09

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"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."
-Don Marquis
Posted: 05-11-09

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Laugh about life
or life will laugh about you!
Posted: 05-9-09

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Dogs have owners.
Cats have staff.
Posted: 05-6-09

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What happens when 2 antennas got married?

The wedding was horrible, but the reception was great.
Posted: 05-6-09

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What's the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad?

One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Posted: 05-1-09

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You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
- Bob Hope
Posted: 04-1-09

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'a gentleman inherits his deceased brothers parrot. the parrot has an extremely vulgar
vocabulary and refuses to amend his crude ways.
after many attempts to to rehabilitate the parrot the gentleman decides to punish the parrot by placing him in the freezer. after 30
seconds the gentleman removes the parrot from the freezer. the parrot is now contrite and offers to amend his ways. the gentleman
accepts the offer.can you answer one questions asks the parrot? what did the turkey do?




Posted: 03-24-09

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What did the hockey player give the thief?

A check.
Posted: 03-20-09

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This guy walks into a bar, and there is bush and Cheney sitting in a booth talking away. So the guy walks over to the bartender and asks "What are they doing?

the bartender says, "their planning a war and maybe the destruction of the free world".

So the guy walks over and asks bush and Cheney,"what are you guys going to do?"

Cheney looks up and says, "We're going to cause unrest in the world and possibly three or four wars, where untold millions are going to die, billions are going to suffer and loose everything, it's going to cost trillions of dollars and break all the economies in the whole world, we are going to bring back torture, and murder without provocation, and create new nuclear weapons of mass destruction to terrorize the rest of the world, we are going to stuff billions and billions of dollars into our pockets and our friends pockets, then we are going to murder a fat blond with big tits." and Cheney's eyes are glowing by this time :o)

So the guy says "!@$$%**** that's just crazy talk, why are you going to murder the blond?"

So Cheney turns to bush and with a huge twisted smirk, says, "See I told you they wouldn't care about the rest of the world!"
Posted: 03-20-09

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"Only the mediocre are always at their best."
Jean Giraudoux
Posted: 03-8-09

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knock knock.
who's there?
Athena.
Athena who?
athena flying sauser! :D
Posted: 03-2-09

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"If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you."
Dick Cavett
Posted: 03-1-09

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The pope and the Rabbi Joke:
http://www.fox-gieg.com/spiders/spidervideos/a_good_joke.mp4
Posted: 03-1-09

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"To be or not to be. That's not really a question."
Jean-Luc Godard
Posted: 02-28-09

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An Englishman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where did you get that thing? The parrot says, "In England! There are a million of 'em."
Posted: 02-27-09

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What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

They both come on little white crackers.
Posted: 02-17-09

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"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
Lucille Ball
Posted: 02-3-09

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Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Posted: 01-27-09

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Q. Why do people kill animals?
A. Fur convenience steak.

Q. What's the best way to keep milk fresh?
A. Leave it in the cow.
Posted: 01-21-09

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Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asked "Do you want a drink?"

Descartes responds: "I think not."

Then he disappears.
Posted: 01-7-09

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When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
http://despair.com/wishes.html
Posted: 12-15-08

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"children in the back seat cause accidents,
Accidents in the back seat cause children."
Posted: 11-30-08

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"The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car.
It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money."
- Jay Len
Posted: 11-25-08

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A burglar sneaks in a dark bar...(after hours) and goes right to the cash register. A voice calls out, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". He looks all around and sees nothing so returns to jimmying the cash drawer. Again, the voice says, "GOD IS WATCHING YOU". The burglar looks around and finally sees a parrot in a cage and says, "Oh, Hi Polly. You startled me." "Hey" said the parrot. "My name ain't Polly. It's John the Baptist." The burglar snorted, "Who in the world named you John the Baptist?". Parrot says, "The same guy who named that Rottweiler over there GOD!"
Posted: 11-21-08

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"Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months." (Clifford Stoll)
Posted: 11-10-08

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"Better a witty fool
than a foolish wit."
- William Shakespeare
Posted: 11-8-08

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In California, a high school student who's an illegal immigrant is about to be deported, but since he's the school's valedictorian, he's asking President Bush to help.

Bush told the valedictorian, "Don't worry, I'll never let them send you back to Valedictoria."
Posted: 10-27-08

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Palin Quotes:
1. I know all about Iran. I ran for Mayor and then I ran for Governor
!
2. I can't comment on the Kyoto Accord as I've only ever seen the Honda.
3. My pregnant daughter is definitely going to marry the baby's father, John Edwards... I mean Levi Johnston
4. I just saw a photo of Barack Obama. Is that what a black man looks like?
5. I look forward to negotiating with the Shi'ites, as I haven't had a good one all week.
6. I wouldn't want to go over to Kabul. I'm perfectly happy with my DirectTV.
7. I think that the drop in the price of stock is a good thing, as now people will be able to make their soups cheaper.
8. I've got a four month old, I'm about to be a grandmother, and I have to change McCain's diapers too?
9. Alaskan oil can end shipments of petroleum from the Middle East. Next we need to end their shipments of convenience store managers.
10. I put a $150 bounty on every wolf shot from a helicopter. How much do I have to offer for Obama?
Posted: 10-22-08

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Why did the guru refuse Novacaine when he went to his dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Posted: 10-22-08

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George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
Posted: 10-1-08

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A butler came running into his important master's office.
"Sir, sir, there's a ghost in the corridor. What shall I do with him?" Without looking up from his work the master said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Posted: 09-30-08

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I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Posted: 09-9-08

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A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"

The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."
Posted: 09-4-08

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"Doctor, I keep stealing things. What can I do?"
"Try to resist the temptation, but if you can't, get me a new television."
Posted: 08-20-08

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Q: What's ET short for?
A: 'cuz he's got short legs.
Posted: 08-13-08

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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip."
– Will Rogers
Posted: 08-7-08

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"Energizer bunny arrested,
charged with battery."
Posted: 08-2-08

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A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!"
A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!" The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"
Posted: 07-24-08

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Wise Man Says:
Man who drives like hell,
Bound to get there!
http://instantrimshot.com/
Posted: 07-19-08

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An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
Posted: 07-12-08

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Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?" The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

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The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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A man goes to the doctor to get $1000 heart examination. After the exam, the doctor says "You only have 1 month left to live." The patient says "I wount be able to pay you in that short of time." The doctor says "in that case, you have 3 months to live." The patient says "I need a second opinion." The doctor replys "OK. Your also ugly."

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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, Hey, what is this, some kind of joke?

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Comic Strip Joke:swing implementation joke

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"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." - Jack Benny

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I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me! --dr. seuss

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Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired. "Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed. "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

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A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees. First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25.

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"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

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Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?

A: They take the psycho path.

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"I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess." -Dennis Miller

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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

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Why are hurricanes normally named after women? When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

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A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure." "Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."

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Three men went to hell. The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3" He then opened the doors to the three rooms. Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor. Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor. Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee. The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee. They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

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There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

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"Do not anger the dragon, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup"

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It is good to act like a Duck. Calm and composed on the surface, but paddling like crazy underneath.

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Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. -- Josh Billings

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A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!" Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"

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On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

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Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

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Back in the early twenties, organ grinders used to go into bars with their pet monkeys and entertain the customers for tips. This particular grinder walks into a bar with his pet monkey and states that he can play any tune that they want to hear. With that, he perches the monkey on the end of the bar, and the monkey is hopping down the bar, when it plops his ass on top of a drunk's glass. The drunk yells, "Shay, old man, duh yah know your monkeys got his ass in my beer?"

The organ grinder replies, "No, but go ahead and hum a few bars, and I'll pick it up from there."

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A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf." A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I have given up drinking!"

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Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said,
"I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

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A well dressed sales person approaches someone on the street, and says "would you like to buy this mouthwash for $200?" The person responds, "no, that's far to expensive." The Sales person offers "What about for $100?" the person responds by saying "That’s still too expensive, stop bothering me." The sales person pulls out some brownies, and offers one to the person, apologizing for being rude. The person takes a bite, then spits it out. "This tastes like crap!" The sales person says. "It is, want to buy some mouth wash?"

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All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

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A guy walks into a bar with a Giraffe. They each orders a drink. The bartender watches, as the two keep drinking and ordering the same two drinks. Eventually they both get smashed Drunk. The Giraffe falls to the floor, and passes out. The guy gets up, and starts to leave. The bartender yells, "Hay, you can't leave that lying there." the guy turns around and says "Thats not a lion, it's a Giraffe!

 

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